5 C’s To The Best Marriage Ever – #4 Companionship

The deep desire of the human soul is intimacy “in-to-me-see”. We want to be fully known, yet fully loved. To be seen inside with all our hopes, our fears, our dreams, our fractures, yet still loved. It is what we long for. It is what we fear we will never have. So how do we cultivate it?

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Happy Valentines Day Lovers!!!

 

Regardless of your view of marriage what is undeniably clear is that the human soul longs for companionship. Everyone wants to love and be loved. And this is exactly how God made us. The Biblical narrative opens with God as the great creator king. Whether the 7 days of the account are literal 24-hour periods or something more analogical (I prefer the latter personally) is debatable. What is clear however is that the entirety of God’s creation is intricately designed with a specific purpose and according to the narrative, in joyful approval as each day God declared his creation to be “good”. The only time this is not deemed the case is when the man is without a companion.

“18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Gen. 2:18

A man without woman would not enable humanity to image God well as previously designed (Gen. 1:26). As culturally insensitive as it may be, in the Christian worldview, men and women are different. We are designed to be different. The distinction between a man and woman is a good thing because through our unique differences we are able to get a greater glimpse of the God in which we image. Additionally it would not allow the man to experience what it meant to be fully human. God designed the human soul to express and experience love. Therefore God made Adam a ‘helper’, a companion named Eve. With an irresistible cocktail of chemicals of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin, Adam rejoiced in song upon seeing Eve. And thus the origins of human companionship are deemed by God to not only be good but to be “very good” (Gen. 1:31). Not only is God pleased but likewise the two companions enjoy the beauty of being both naked and without shame.

 

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Gen. 2:24

 

This is a picture true intimacy of two souls, bound together physically, emotionally and spiritually. Another way to think of it is that they were ‘fully known, yet fully loved’. The deep desire of the human soul is intimacy “in-to-me-see”. We want to be fully known, yet fully loved. To be seen inside with all our hopes, our fears, our dreams, our fractures, yet still loved. It is what we long for. It is what we fear we will never have. So how do we cultivate it?

 

1. Be Vulnerable and Be Trustworthy

You will never be fully loved if you’re never fully known. This is a big risk. To let someone all the way in where they see it all. God designed marriage to be the place where this level of vulnerability is possible. You can’t, nor should you be vulnerable with everyone. But you can and should be with your spouse. In fact, this is most likely why you married in the first place. Not only did you find your spouse physically attractive, you most likely found them to be someone you could be vulnerable with. Vulnerability requires trust, but trust can only be ascertained through initial vulnerability. A relationship essentially continues to develop as we open up and share and then see what the other does with it. As trust grows so does the vulnerability and vice versa.

 

2. Make Time

When couples begin dating all they want to do is be together. Young couples can be so enamoured with each other that they end up excluding all their friends and isolating themselves from the pack. It’s foolish and can have long-term implications. However, couples are often tempted to go in the other direction once married. DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN!!! Find what works for your relationship but make time to be alone, together. Time to talk. Time to enjoy each other’s company and time to be vulnerable. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t have to take up large amounts of time. It doesn’t have to tick all the boxes every time. It just needs to happen, and happen regularly and be effective. So make it happen.

“If there were more courting in marriage there would be fewer marriages in court”

If you have kids, don’t allow yourself to use them as an excuse. In fact, the quality of your marriage dictates the quality of your family. So do it for them. I’m yet to hear the young person who complains their parents love each other too much. Find a way. Swap babysitting duties with other couples. They babysit your kids one week and you sit their kids the following. Find a way to make time to look at each other, talk and listen.

Two great questions – How are you doing? How am I doing for you?

 

3. Read and Grow

This may sound odd but hear me out. I have been married 15 years. That’s 5475 days my wife and I have been together. How much do you think we don’t know about each other? How easy would it be to become bored with each other? In order to grow in our relationship, we need to grow as individuals. Every time my wife learns and grows as a woman, the more I see it and it intrigues me. It makes me lean in again because I realise I don’t fully know her. There is something new. There is something more. In my opinion, this is one of the great secrets to marriage. Countless times I have heard couples excuse away not executing the previous point because they simply don’t know what to talk about anymore. They’ve talked every day for the past 5475 days and there’s simply nothing new under the sun. This is a real problem for many couples but it is an uncomplicated problem. Learn. Grow. Read.

Learn about health. Learn about nature. Learn about history. Learn about God. Just get learning so that you keep growing and continue to be interesting to one another.

 

4. Sex

Two bodies merging together does not equate to true intimacy. But it is a significant aspect of it. I talk about sex in pre-marital as both a thermometer and thermostat. As a thermometer sex can give a gauge of the temperature of our marriage. It’s one of many indicators of marital health. Men, please read that last sentence again. As a thermostat sex regulates the temperature. It unites us chemically, physically and spiritually. Ladies, please read that last sentence again. Now there is no absolute prescription with regard to quality and quantity, therefore, each couple being must work this out in a way that meets both their needs.

 

5. Serve and Be Available

Do things that the other person enjoys or needs. My wife hates washing up. So guess what my job is? I love basketball. So guess what my wife pretends to enjoy hearing about? What cultivates companionship is showing interest in the other person. To show interest you have to be available. Stop scrolling through Instagram, put the phone down and give your attention. Value what the other person values. If it’s a clean bench, then help keep the bench clean. If it’s camping, then camp. If it’s romantic comedies, watch it with her. If its time with the boys, help make it happen for him. Whatever your jam, make it your priority to keep each other’s love and value tanks full. Work together, be available for each other and continue to serve each other. Do it, repeat it and don’t stop. It’s really difficult to fall out of love with each other when you continue to cultivate a life of love.

 

Happy Valentines Day!!!

5C’s To The Best Marriage Ever – #3 Communication

“Words are moving in either one of two directions. Either our words are moving towards life (grace, mercy, encouragement, love and peace, edification) or death (anger, vengeance, condemnation, malice, slander and gossip).”

Communication! How could it not be on the list of 5C’s? Everyone knows how important communication is to any relationship, yet it seems to be something most relationships struggle to do well. Why is that? Why is communication so uncomplicated in one sense, yet so difficult to master? There are numerous answers to this but one I believe to be fundamental is the concept of self-projection. That is the attribution of one’s own attitudes, feelings, desires, and suppositions onto another. This is particularly true with regard to communication. We tend to communicate in a way that fits our personality, gender and upbringing without considering the audience to which we are communicating.

In his book, ‘Don’t Die With The Music In You’ NRL Super Coach Wayne Bennett writes about the importance of tailoring your communication to your audience. Wayne highlights the changes he had to make as a coach as new generations of players came through the team. In effect what he taught in the book is that effective communication is not as much about what is said but what is heard. Just because you’ve spoken something doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve communicated it.

Take for example consider cross-cultural communication. If an English speaking person wishes to communicate something to a Chinese speaking person, a translator will be required. Without a translator all that will occur is speaking, but not necessarily communication. Another situation a translator is required is in marriage counselling. A counsellor is often significantly helpful through interpretation. They mediate between couples in the same way a bilingual translator would. I know with my marriage it took the best part of ten years before my wife I really began to communicate and understand each other well. We had to learn to speak in a way in which the other could understand

 

In pre-marital counselling, I like to walk couples through a three-step process to effective communication.

  • Speak the right things
  • In the right way
  • At the right time

All three must be accomplished to experience effective communication. Let’s explore each one.

 

 

SPEAK THE RIGHT THINGS

Effective communication requires knowing what to say and what not to say. This blog is an example of that. More words are deleted than posted. Every time I write I’m weighing up what needs to be written and what doesn’t.

When it comes to issues you have to pick your battles carefully. If you nit-pick, your spouse will eventually tune you out. And that’s not what you want. You want to be able to speak about what is important to you and to have their ear when you do. So choose carefully what issues are worth discussing and what isn’t. Proverbs often speaks of it in this way.

13 A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain. Prov. 19:13

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. Prov. 21:9

The indictment here is not on being a wife but on being quarrelsome. In my marriage, it was me that had this unfortunate ability. I couldn’t let anything go. Every little thing had to be dealt with in my way and on my watch. I was a quarrelsome husband, which led to either not having my wife’s ear or even worse, not having her heart.

A spouse can likewise tune out due to oversharing or simply too much talking. Just ask my wife. I talk her ear off. They may be genuinely interested in your day but it just takes too long and they get lost amongst all the details and detours. Therefore it’s important to consider your use of words. This can be particularly hard if you are a big talker and a stay at home parent. When you’ve been with children all day nothing can be as exciting as knowing that your spouse will be home any minute and you can finally have an adult conversation. Therefore couples need to consider each other’s needs here. The worker needs to prepare himself or herself for a spouse that needs to communicate with an adult. And the spouse that has been couped up in the home needs to consider not bombarding their spouse with a million pieces of information immediately upon arrival. Consider what is or isn’t the right thing to communicate.

 

 

IN THE RIGHT WAY

The way in which something is spoken has a great impact on how it is heard. Proverbs puts it this way.

18     There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Prov 12:18

4     A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Prov. 15:4

Successful communication is not only about speaking the right things; it’s about speaking them in the right way. In my experience, nothing influences my communication more than my emotional state. Just ask my kids? When I’m tired, stressed or frustrated the tone is completely different.

Notice Proverbs 15:4 said, ‘a gentle tongue is a tree of life’. The way of life is gentleness. Additionally, writer of Proverbs says

21    Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Prov. 18:21

Paul Tripp says of this verse that,

“Words are moving in either one of two directions. Either our words are moving towards life (grace, mercy, encouragement, love and peace, edification) or death (anger, vengeance, condemnation, malice, slander and gossip).”

A marriage that uses words to move towards life will experience just that – life. So consider both your words and the use of those words to build your marriage up and encourage your spouse because ‘the tongue of the wise brings healing’ (Prov. 12:18)

Check out Paul Tripp’s book and videos on ‘War of Words’. Simply brilliant (https://www.paultripp.com/war-of-words)

 

 

AT THE RIGHT TIME

Timing is everything. You can speak about the right thing, in the right way, but if the timing is wrong it still won’t be heard. This can be a difficult one particularly in the context of dual-income families, or couples with both work and study occurring simultaneously. In my context my wife and I have four children, I work full-time, study part-time and she works part-time. This increases the need for good rhythms. It’s a busy household and we can’t afford to slip into bad habits when it comes to communication.

Two common pitfalls of communication are nagging and stonewalling. Both are extremely ineffective and unhelpful. Stereotypically a man does one and a woman does the other, but it is not always the case. Following the key to cooperation from the previous post, it is important ‘to judge your spouse by their intention not just their action’. A spouse doesn’t wake up one day and decide to either nag or stonewall. There’s something within the context that moves them in that direction. This is most commonly the timing and context of communication. That is to say that nagging, while ineffective and even annoying is often the choice of communication because the spouse feels their partner isn’t listening. So they keep talking. Stonewalling is the opposite. It is generally done in an attempt to control the tongue from saying something hurtful. Timing and context make all the difference in avoiding these ditches. Each couple has to consider what works for their rhythm and relationship.

Some couples prefer to have a check-in night. One night a week where they sit down with a glass of wine, calendars out and just check-in with each other. This allows one spouse to know they have a set time ahead that is specifically designed for talking. It helps them to avoid nagging and keep their words until the right time following the wisdom of Prov. 21:23

23      Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble. Prov. 21:23

For the other spouse, it helps them prepare their ears, as they know this is the time to check-in. They have time to prepare themselves to listen and respond. Therefore avoiding withdrawing or stonewalling.

Other couples prefer to talk on the run. It’s a constant conversation. Before work, while cooking dinner or cleaning up, or just plain old pillow talk. They don’t have a specific check-in time rather they are constantly checking in. Whatever suits your relationship, the important thing is to be creating clear space for effective communication.

 

Words drive the direction of your life. What you say, how you say it and when you say it matters. So choose life. 

5C’s To The Best Marriage Ever #2 – Cooperation

Weddings. Who doesn’t love a good old fashion wedding? They’re the best. Love is in the air, great people. great food, great drink. And the dance floor. Come on. It’s the greatest. But let’s be honest, the wedding is the easy part. Once you’ve made the exciting choice to marry, then you’ve got to learn how to do the dance. This is the idea of cooperation. A great marriage is one that is able to move from being all about ‘me to being about ‘we’. It is two individual people working together to become one. This is the view the Bible portrays of marriage. Before the first-ever marriage in Genesis 2, God outlined marriage in this way.

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Gen. 2:24-25

Jesus likewise confirmed this view

and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matt. 19:5-6

The word ‘one flesh’ Hebrew אֶחָד (echad) and Greek εἷς (Heis) are used to describe God in Deuteronomy 6:4 which says “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.” The picture is of one unit. A word you may be more familiar with is ‘shalom’, meaning peace and harmony. As God, Father, Son and Spirit is one, a husband and wife are to be so united to one another that it’s like they are one. Working in perfect harmony. What an incredible privilege we have as men and women to reflect the image of God through our marriages. Now for God ‘echad’ comes naturally, it’,s simply who God is. For us, it’s not so natural. Our natural disposition is to compete against each other rather than cooperate with each other.

Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. These two are very different from one another. A contract is built upon mutual distrust whereas a covenant is built upon mutual commitment. A commitment to cooperate. We commit work together to make each other more beautiful, more wonderful, more glorious and more holy. It is a daily choice to keep that commitment. As a wise person once said, ‘In the beginning, opposites attract but later opposites attack’. What often intrigued us in the beginning about our spouse can actually become something that leads to conflict later. It is important to identify and clarify these differences and learn how to make compliment each other rather than compete.

 

Below are 4 common areas of difference

 

HOW WE ARE ENERGIZED

Every person is energized differently and energy levels matter. When your emotional tank is low it has a significant impact on the way you communicate. Nothing affects your ability to cooperate more than energy. When you are well rested and your emotional tank is full, you are kinder, more patient and less selfish. You consider your words more carefully and are less tempted to respond out of frustration. Therefore understanding how each other is energized helps to create an environment where we are running on a full tank rather than on fumes.

 

HOW WE GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE

Gary Chapman wrote a helpful book called “The 5 Love Languages – The Secret to Love That Lasts”. Its practical, filled with humour and stories to convey with clarity the simple idea that everyone gives and receives love differently (check out 5lovelanguages.com). In it, Gary highlights what he labels the five most common love languages – words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. Our natural tendency is to love others how we ourselves receive love. This is not a bad thing, Jesus told us to love our neighbour as ourselves. What separates a good marriage from a great marriage is the ability for a couple to give love in the way the other receives love. This is much harder than it seems. It’s unnatural and goes against our instinct. But it matters. In fact, this is one key to keeping those emotional energy tanks full. Life is so much more enjoyable and easy when you feel loved, respected and valued by your spouse. And it takes two to tango. Both spouses need to find ways to love the other in a way that actually hits the mark. Additionally, you need to learn how to receive love in the way your spouse naturally gives it. Because it will be more natural to them it will be a joy to love you in their own special way. So learn to accept it, rather than demand to be loved a certain way. Great marriages learn this dance.

 

HOW WE USE WORDS AND PROCESS INFORMATION AND EXPERIENCES

Some people are expanders. Others are condensers. An expander is self-explanatory, they expand … everything. They talk. A lot. And then talk some more. Expanders dominate a conversation. Provide all the unnecessary detail you don’t even care about. While you’re telling your story, they’re not listening. They’re thinking up a better story to trump your story. Expanders believe words are powerful and unlimited. So they use them. All of them. They tend to process verbally and need to talk things out

A condenser is straight to the point. No fluff. No bubbles. Just the point. Condensers believe words are powerful but limited. So they ration them. Just in case they run out. They tend to process internally and need to think things through.

One word really matters here. TIMING. You have to learn the skill of knowing when to use words and when not to. More on this in our next post.

 

HOW WE APPROACH CONFLICT

Nobody likes conflict. It’s the worst. But to have a great marriage you have to learn how you and your spouse will approach it. Two approaches are most common. The engager and the withdrawer. An engager is someone who always wants to fix everything and make sure everybody is ok. One of my favourite leadership axioms by Bill Hybels is, “when something smells funky, engage.” The big idea is to not let stuff fester. Unresolved issues can poison a relationship. Therefore they engage and go head on in, even if it’s the most inappropriate time. The engager wants to move toward their spouse in order to quickly resolve the conflict in which they hate. A withdrawer is someone who also wants the problem resolved but is fearful that engaging will only make it worse. Talking about it is like pouring fuel on the fire. Therefore they withdraw in an attempt to let things settle. The withdrawer wants to move away from their spouse in order to avoid increasing the conflict unnecessarily.

By now you’ve probably identified some of your relational differences. So what’s the secret sauce to cooperating? How do we cooperate when we are so different? It makes no difference knowing these differences if you don’t apply this last principle. This is the key to cooperation. This is the key to experiencing echad.

 

JUDGE YOU SPOUSE ACCORDING TO THEIR INTENTION, NOT THEIR ACTION.

 

Due to our differences, we instinctively judge each other by actions not intentions. Yet the intentions of the heart make all the difference in the world. When we understand the reasons and motivations behind the behaviour of our spouse it helps us to not only extend grace but also to receive those actions for what they really are – love.

Go ahead. Why don’t you sit down with each other and talk some of these differences through and ask the question, ‘when you do this what is your intention?’ Then listen and seek to understand and receive their love. Decide to begin to cooperate with each rather than compete against each other and experience God’s joyful design for your marriage to be echad and experience shalom.

5C’s To The Best Marriage Ever – #1 CHOICES

Too many people are looking for “the one”. This is very common, but not limited to the Christian context. The concept is that there is one perfectly designed soul mate out there somewhere. Find them, marry them and live the happily-ever-after you always desired. Thank you, Jerry Maguire and every other romantic comedy ever produced.

In a couple of weeks, I kick off a new series at Life Centre Church called “Citizens – Living as God’s Kingdom People”, based on Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount from Matthew 5-7. I’m really excited to preach through it, as Jesus’ teaching is exceptionally relevant for today. As it relates to this topic Jesus had a few things to say about marriage, lust, anger, promises and divorce (Matt. 5:21-48). These are very practical and challenging. At the time of Jesus’ sermon, a large controversy about divorce and marriage was being conducted between two popular rabbinic schools of Hillel and Shammai. It was into that context in which Jesus spoke. What has been reinforced to me through my study is that God is far more for marriage than he is against divorce. God created marriage for our joy and God wants to elevate the blessedness of marriage in our eyes and to help a culture that is divorcing and separating left, right and centre how to experience joyful and fulfilling marriages.

So with this in mind I thought I’d do a short series called the 5 C’s To The Best Marriage Ever.

 

#1 – CHOICES.

The first principle to experiencing a great marriage is simply to make good choices. God has given us the means within our faculties to make choices. So choose well, before marriage and after marriage. Choose well.

Choices Before Marriage.

I often make the somewhat controversial statement that “It is not who you marry it is what you marry!” This may seem somewhat simplistic and even redundant yet it is such an important piece. Much of what leads to a great marriage exists well before the wedding day. Consequently, if you marry well, you immediately alleviate half the obstacles. A great marriage takes a great amount of work. It requires all sorts of compromises and adjustments that are not always easy. This highlights even more reason why choosing well before you marry is of such importance.

Too many people are looking for “the one”. This is very common, but not limited to the Christian context. The concept is that there is one perfectly designed soul mate out there somewhere. Find them, marry them and live the happily-ever-after you always desired. Thank you, Jerry Maguire and every other romantic comedy ever produced. While I do not wish to discount some couples experiences or the notion of compatibility altogether, I do find the concept of “the one” fraught with problems.

The first is a shaky foundation. Beneath the concept of “the one” is a subtle selfish agenda. That is, you are looking to get from someone rather than give to someone. Whether it is meaning, security, affirmation, identity, respect or love. You have an expectation that when you find this person these are things you will receive from them. Now, none of these things is wrong. In fact, they are all necessary in some sense to have any sort of meaningful relationship. The issue comes with only seeking to receive these things rather than giving these things. Many a couple got married, expecting their spouse would humbly serve them, only to find out that their spouse was expecting the same thing. If this is the foundation of a relationship then when times get tough, which they will, the relationship will collapse and you’ll be tempted to believe that maybe they just weren’t the one after all. It just wasn’t the right fit. But the problem isn’t the fit the problem is the foundation.

A great marriage requires both. Both parties need to feel valued, understood, loved and respected by the other. In order for that to be a reality, both have to prioritise the giving of these not just the receiving of them. If two people seek to receive, no one receives. If two people seek to give, both give and both receive. It’s beautiful and it is joyful.

The second is a misguided focus. The focus becomes to find someone and then marry someone. These are the ultimate goal. To be sure, no relationship exists without finding someone. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.” You have to go looking, whether physically or digitally, in order to find a spouse. You have to take some risks, put yourself out there, and give it a go. But marriage is more than just finding someone; it’s about finding a spouse. Someone you will unite and covenant with for the rest of your life. And marriage is more than just about a wedding day. It’s about building a life together.

Now I hate to inform you of this truth, but the unfortunate reality is that the external fades over time. I turn 40 this year and my body is only moving in one direction and that’s south. So yes find a person you are physically attracted to. That’s legitimately important. But it’s really easy to get caught up by someone’s highlight reel without examining their behind the scenes. What are they like behind closed doors? The attraction needs to be both externally and internally. A great example of this can be seen in Genesis 24 where Abraham’s servant is sent to find a wife for his son Isaac (thank goodness I didn’t grow up in those days). The servant notices two things about a woman named Rebekah. 1) She was very attractive in appearance (Gen. 24:16) and she had a servant heart (Gen 24:20). Not only did Rebekah offer Abraham’s servant water, which she had to draw herself from a well. She also drew water for the servant’s camels. She was generous. She was kind. She was beautiful inside and out.

Sure he might be a really cool guy, or she might be a hottie but are they secure or insecure? Are they givers or takers? Do they use words to build others up or pull people down? Are they humble or arrogant? Are they personally growing or stagnant? Do they have the same faith as you or a completely different worldview? These things matter. It’s not just who you marry, it’s what you marry.

You need to like more than what you just see on the outside. As part of our church pre-marital counselling, I often say to young couples, “you’re going to talk a lot more than you are going to have sex. So make sure you actually like each other.” I don’t say it to be provocative. I say it because it’s true. You need to like the person you marry. You need to be attracted to the whole person, inside and out, including their mind and their heart. I can honestly say that I am far more attracted to my wife now, 15 years in, 4 children later, than on the day I married her. We are better friends than ever Why? Her character has continued to blossom. Her internal beauty shines brighter and brighter each and every day. In my view, I married a hottie not just externally but internally. And one day if God grants us the time we’ll be in our 80’s not looking like we did in our twenties but we will be far more satisfied, fulfilled, complete and joyful than even on our wedding day.

Choices in Marriage

The choices before you marry are important and the choices in your marriage are important. While a happy marriage may begin when we marry the one we love, a happy marriage blossoms when we love the one we marry. A great marriage is a result of thousands of little choices each and every day, week, month and year to love one another and do all you can to make the other even better than they would be on their own. Therefore make choices that not only benefit you but benefit the other and coincide with God’s plan for their life.

Tim Keller sums up a Christian vision of marriage.

Within this Christian vision of marriage, here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, “I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, ‘I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!”  Tim Keller

As you reflect on the quote above consider the choices you can make in your marriage to make it the best marriage ever.