Author: kyllum

Married, 4 children, local church pastor and a Jesus follower.

Rethink – Who am I?

Consider the lengths God has gone to make you his own. Focus on Him. Make Him the centre of your thoughts, and He will transform the way you feel about yourself. Ponder the majesty of Christ, and allow your life to sit against the backdrop of an incredible God that loves you and gave his life for you. It will change how you view and feel about yourself.  

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As a pastor, I sadly hear all too often that people aren’t happy. What leads to this unhappiness in people is varied to some degree. What is consistent however is that happiness is mostly dependant upon internal conditions rather than external circumstances. It is often the case that two people can be dealing with very similar situations and yet one can persevere without losing joy, while another is unable to find any at all. One of these common internal conditions is a lack of clear identity and self-love. Now I know this sounds a little cliche and even more self-help than sound Christian doctrine, but hear me out. If you don’t have a clear sense of who you are and even more, like who you are, there’s a good chance you won’t experience consistent joy in your life because here’s a mind-blower – you talk with and spend more time with you than any other person.

When you don’t like how you feel in life, the natural response is to make adjustments. However, those changes have to be effective. Leaning heavily on Paul Tripp’s book ‘How People Change’ below are a list of different approaches people take to formalise personal change. None of these is in and of themselves wrong. They just don’t necessarily lead to genuine transformation. Consider if you utilise any of these approaches?

·      Legalism – You make new lists of do’s and don’t’s by which to evaluate oneself. The premise is by changing the external activity you can improve the internal identity.

·      Mysticism – You seek spiritual highs and supernatural encounters, moving from one emotional experience to another as a way of escape. It leads to short-term positive feelings but to maintain these feeling you need to recreate the emotional experience. Your identity attaches itself to how you feel.

·      Consumerism – You spend your life consuming goods and services. Whether purchasing material possessions or personal experiences, when fixated on yourself you never feel satisfied with all you have and experience.

·      Activism – You get involved in essential causes seeking to right the wrongs you see outside of yourself. You may feel puffed up by the crusades you participate in, yet your brokenness remains unaddressed within.

·      Biblicism – You seek to master theology and the content of the Bible. You may grow in the knowledge of God but not necessarily communion with God. You may know the Word of God, but you may not know the God of the Word.

·      Psychologyism – You talk openly and often about your brokenness, but you may treat Christ and his church as your therapist rather your saviour and his body. Merely talking about problems doesn’t necessarily lead to freedom from the issues.

·      Socialism – This is the act of socialising with people in the hope to become like them. While it is vital to be sharpened by those above you and in front of you, merely socialising does not transform you.

Again, none of these is in and of themselves evil. These approaches are simply ill-equipped to truly transform your soul. So what can we do? Well, let me offer one more ‘ism’.

GOSPELISM

Gospelism is finding your identity in Christ and Christ alone. It’s aligning your view of self, with God’s. What does God say about you? After all, He made you. You have inherent value, worth and dignity, not because of anything you do or don’t do. Not because of anything you achieve or don’t achieve. Rather because God created you. Think about who you are in light of whom God is and has done. The gospel tells us who God is and what he has done and thereby implicates who we are in light of these truths. So consider these five truths and be reminded of who you are in Christ.

God made you in his image: Is there any higher honour that God could bestow upon you than creating you in his image and likeness. You may have days where you fail miserably and sin significantly, but even on that day, you are an image bearer of God (Gen. 1:26).

God sent his son to die in your place: God loves you so much that even when you fracture that image, he is willing to forgive you and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. Jesus not only died for you, but he was willing to die, he chose to die. He wanted to forgive you of all your sin and place you back into a right relationship with God (Rom. 5:8).

God gave you his Spirit: As though forgiving you wasn’t enough, God desires to conform you back into that image of Christ. He does so by providing you with the Spirit to dwell in you to change you from the inside out (Ezek. 36:26;  1 Cor. 2:12).

God gives you His Word: God also wants to continue to commune with you. So He gives you His word so that you can know Him intimately. He gives you his word so that you can not only understand who He is and what he has done but also what he continues to do (1 Pet. 1:23; 1 Jn. 2:14).

God gives you His Family: God not only gives you his Spirit He adopts you into his family. You belong to King Jesus, and He invites into his home and his family. You are God’s son or daughter, and he treats you as such (Gal. 3:26; 4:6).

Consider the lengths God has gone to make you his own. Focus on Him. Make Him the centre of your thoughts, and He will transform the way you feel about yourself. Ponder the majesty of Christ, and allow your life to sit against the backdrop of an incredible God that loves you and gave his life for you. It will change how you view and feel about yourself.

I leave you with my favourite verse in the entire Bible.

“…It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

Halloween!

However you and your family decide to participate this weekend. Please prayerfully consider all aspects of the Christian faith and how you can love your neighbour, be a great witness and bring glory to God.

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As a Christian family, we affirm the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ as a historical event. Due to this event, we have placed our faith in Jesus for the forgiveness of our sins and also seek to follow and obey Christ with our lives. This desire for obedience often leaves us as at a crossroad when it comes to cultural practices. When at odds, do we follow the values and traditions of our culture or do we follow the values and practices of Christianity found in the Bible? When the Bible speaks clearly to an issue such as drunkness, violence, sorcery, gossip and the like, our decision is quite simple. But what about a new cultural rhythm like Halloween in which the Bible doesn’t speak to directly? How do we conclude as to what we will do or not do as a family?

An uncomplicated filter we use to guide our decisions and practices is ‘Reject, Receive or Redeem’. As a family, we often think through these before making a prayerful decision.

REJECT – This is to decide to not participate in it. Reject the whole idea or practice outrightly. As to Halloween, this is a reasonable approach for a Christian. As Christians, we often reject things all-together like pornography or polygamy. We view these as antithetical to the Christian worldview. Halloween has become a social event which associates itself with death, murder, horror, blood, fear and the list goes on. These traits are not things we as Christians celebrate. “So why would you be participating in such a thing?” Well, let me get to that in a bit.

If your family chooses to reject Halloween, which is reasonable, please consider being thoughtful in how you do it. The Bible calls us to love our neighbour, even when we disagree. You may not want to get out in the streets as a family, but you can still find ways to love your neighbour rather than judge your neighbour for not holding the same values as you do. Our neighbours are merely attempting to have some fun and maybe we as Christians differ on where the line is. So be kind, be loving, be a good neighbour. Reject the party but don’t reject your neighbour.

RECEIVE – This is to decide to participate in it fully. Go along with it. It’s harmless fun, and everyone else is doing it. As Christians, we receive many things within our culture as a common good and not at odds with Christianity. The internet is a good example, while it is possible to use the internet for evil, in and of itself the internet is morally neutral. Therefore a Christian can freely receive it and use it for good. Those I know who fully participate in Halloween do so with the intention of being a good neighbour and having harmless fun. Consequently, if your conscience does not allow you to participate in Halloween, be gracious to those whose conscience does allow it.

As a family, we have decided to take a third approach. We will participate in it but only to a certain degree.

REDEEM – As a family, we have decided to participate in it to some degree but with Christian intentionality and purpose. One of the great calls of the Christian faith is to love our neighbour. We agree with those who take the “Receive” approach and believe Halloween creates a great opportunity to meet our neighbours and spend time with them as friends. In fact, in our previous neighbourhood, this was the one time in the year that our entire neighbourhood roamed the streets together and participate as neighbours. In our mind, this is a great opportunity to love our neighbour through friendship and Christian witness. As with those who take the “Reject” approach we also see many things that stand at odds with Christian values. Therefore we seek to participate in it with the intention of enjoying our neighbours and friends while at the same time maintaining our values of life, love, faith rather than death, hate, fear etc.

What this means for us as a family is that we are slightly the odd family out. We dress up as superheroes and princesses. We don’t do blood; we don’t do horror, we do dress up, but it’s on the bright side of things. Sure we stand out a little. But we’d prefer to participate in Halloween to the degree our conscience allows, and hope we don’t offend our neighbours in the process.

We give out lollies, and we receive lollies. We meet new neighbours and hang with our neighbours for an hour or so building friendships and attempting to be good witnesses. We don’t judge, and we don’t expect people with a different worldview than ours to live as we do. Instead, we seek to participate in it, in a way we feel reflects Christian values, and we aim to build friendships that give us an opportunity to love our neighbours as Christ has called us to do.

We also use it as an opportunity to speak to our children about cultural engagement. As parents, we can’t protect our children from everything they are going to face in our culture, but we can prepare them. We sit down our children every year and teach them why we participate the way we do. We teach the gospel, talk about Christ’s gift of life and how we as a family seek to redeem the culture in which we live.

So whatever way you decide to approach Halloween, please prayerfully consider all aspects of the Christian faith and how you can love your neighbour, be a great witness and bring glory to God.

Review – Where Am I?

Life is fast-paced, full of challenges and struggles and unless there is an intentionality to how we live, these seem to be the default of our lives. So what do you do? How do you move from enduring life to enjoying life? The first step is to rhythm times throughout the year for personal review.

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You have a picture of your life. Where it’s going? Where you want it to go? And maybe even where you thought your life would already be. One thing I know about your picture is that it includes joy. Everyone wants to live a life they enjoy. No one sets out to be miserable or stressed. No one desires to experience loneliness, hopelessness or live exhausted continuously. Life is fast-paced, full of challenges and struggles and unless there is an intentionality to how we live, these seem to be the default of our lives. So what do you do? How do you move from enduring life to enjoying life? The first step is to rhythm times throughout the year for personal review. You need to pause. You need to reflect. You need to get alone with a pen and paper and objectively look at where you are and where you want to be so that you can begin to move towards the future you desire.

The Bible continually calls you to review where you are (2 Cor. 13:5; Ps. 119:59-60; Hag. 1:5-7; Lam. 3:40). It is a call to look at yourself and take responsibility for our own life. In his famous sermon on the mount (Matt. 5-7) Jesus used the illustration of investigating whether you have a log in your eye rather than worrying about whether someone else may have a speck in there’s (Matt. 7:5) In other words – REVIEW YOURSELF! Jesus isn’t just challenging the hypocrites and haters. He’s teaching a vital life principle of personal responsibility. You are not responsible for how anyone else lives their life, but you are responsible for how you live yours. I often like to say, ‘when you read the Bible read it as a mirror not a set of binoculars’. The goal of binoculars is to focus on something other than yourself, whereas a mirror functions to allow you to inspect yourself. The difficulty, however, is that we don’t like to review ourselves because of fear of what we might see. You, therefore, have a few options. You can deny where you are. You can avoid evaluating where you are. Or you can review and begin to execute the change necessary for you experience a more enjoyable life.

Psalm 77 is one of my life chapters. God used it in a unique way to change my life during a very trying time. I was down, and I was struggling, and in a deep hole that I didn’t know how to escape. As I read the Psalm, I noticed that while the Psalmist began troubled and weary, very much in line with how I felt at the time, that was not how he finished. By the end of the chapter, his entire perspective and position in life changed. The writer moved from complaining about his difficult situation to celebrating all had God had done in the past. How did he make this shift? Verse 5 is when the change began.

5  I consider the days of old, the years long ago. 6  I said, “Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.” Then my spirit made a diligent search: Psalm 77:5

The Psalmist began to ‘consider, remember and meditate’. In other words, he started to apply the principle of review. While experiencing genuine pain, he paused and took stock of his life. If you want to be able to navigate through the complexities and pressures of life, you must learn this habit. We all suffer, struggle, and experience stress. Much of which is out of our control. But what is in our control is how we will live our lives despite these obstacles. We can learn from the Psalmist and move from complaining to celebrating.

As multifaceted beings, we need to evaluate many different aspects of our life. So ask yourself, ‘Where am I emotionally? Where am I relationally? Where am I spiritually? How about financially, physically, mentally, occupationally and even sexually? You get the idea. Life is nuanced and to truly enjoy your life you need to experience health across the board not just in one area. You can be succeeding in your career, but if your relationships are failing, or you’re experiencing significant physical health issues, you won’t experience a whole lot of joy in your life.

Let me give you a couple of examples from my own life. I make intentional space four times a year, using the school calendar to rhythm my review time (early new year; Easter, Mid-year and September school holidays). September has recently passed, and during my two-week annual leave, I spent some personal time reflecting and reviewing. As usual, I came away with much to consider. Often I can feel overwhelmed by how much growth remains but I always try and focus on working two or three areas. This September I’ve come away with three areas I have decided to make some adjustments.

Spiritual: My prayer life has been lacking. I have decided to go back to the old habit of ‘knees before feet’. Essentially if my knees hit the carpet first – I Pray. If my feet hit the carpet first, I work. Knees first mean I start each day in prayer.

Physical: My weight and overall fitness are the poorest its ever been. These holidays I struggled to play with my kids as much as I wanted to. I’ve not prioritised my health, and that needs to change. So I’m adjusting my diet, measuring my daily calorie intake and upping the exercise with the eventual goal to take up a sport again in 2019.

Mental: My leadership and general personal growth have stagnated. Leaders are readers. I’m not a great reader, but I typically read about 20 books a year. During the first half of 2018, I read five books. That’s too low if I genuinely want to grow as a leader. Since the middle of September, I’ve read five more books. In four weeks I doubled my reading by merely getting back to 30 minutes a day of reading.

So step one to living a life you enjoy – REVIEW! Stop and review where you are in light of where you want to be and and begin moving towards the future you want.

REFRESH – Living a life you enjoy!

God’s purpose also includes our joy. Yes, I believe God wants you to be happy! God’s glory and our joy are not dichotomous. Rather they go hand in hand. God’s glory does not contradict our joy. God’s glory is our joy because we were made by God, for God.

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A number of years ago I hit a wall. My mind began to fracture and my body began to break down. I hit a critical point in my life that forced me to explore the way I was living. I won’t be going into specific contributing factors in my situation, rather I want to explore 6 principles that I have applied in my journey towards living a life I enjoy. I hope this series encourages you to consider how you are living your life and whether it is sustainable in producing long-term joy.

Let me explain the two big ideas behind this series.

1. God wants you to be happy!

I would fall into a Christian worldview category known as Christian hedonism. What the heck does that mean? Hedonism is the belief that pleasure, joy and satisfaction is the good and proper goal of human life. It’s the pursuit of pleasure. Christian hedonism, therefore, has a specific clarification of what it is that brings the human soul most pleasure. Let me unpack my understanding of God and joy.

It is my conviction that God created life. He did so with a purpose. One that is eternal and bigger than we could ever imagine or understand. This purpose includes, but is not limited to, his own glory. God’s purpose also includes our joy. Yes, I believe God wants you to be happy! God’s glory and our joy are not dichotomous. Rather they go hand in hand. God’s glory does not contradict our joy. God’s glory is our joy because we were made by God, for God. The human soul was made in the image of God (Gen. 1:26) in order to experience and relate with God. Additionally, the one who created us created us in such a way that our ultimate satisfaction would be him. While we may be immanent; we were made for the transcendent. While we may be created beings; we were made for the creator God. Likewise, in the words of John Piper, “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him…Not only is God the supreme source of satisfaction for the human soul, but God himself is glorified by our being satisfied in him.” Therefore Christian hedonism is the conviction that God’s ultimate goal of his own glory and our deepest human desire for deep lasting joy are intrinsically linked. Some would go even so far as to say they are one and the same thing.

For some, this may come as a surprise to you, particularly if you are not a Christian. Maybe you always thought Christianity was all about denying oneself of joy, living a spiritually disciplined life and making sure you keep God happy. To consider God as one who cares about your joy might even be good news for you. It has been for me.

 

2. God knows what will make you happy!

Learning that God’s glory and our joy are not at odds is freeing. It can reshape our entire worldview and approach to how we live out our human experience. Again, this is true for me. In the Christian hedonist view, the Christian life should be one of a pursuit of joy, ultimate joy. We are free to pursue happiness. This is not only a good thing but even a God thing. He designed us this way, with these desires. The exhortation needed therefore is to ask ‘what will make us truly happy?’. This is where the Christian worldview would claim that not only does God want us to be happy, but he also knows what will make us happy. As the master craftsmen, God has designed us in such a way that ultimate joy can only be experienced in Him and living according to His good design. In addition to this, sin has distorted our desires to seek shallow, temporal and short-term joy that ultimately leaves us dissatisfied, unfulfilled only to seek more of the same.

 

God wants you to be happy and he knows how you can experience true joy. Over the next 6 posts, we will explore how we can live according to his good design and begin living a life we enjoy!

1. Review – Where am I?

2. Rethink – Who am I?

3. Re-calibrate – What really matters?

4. Reduce – What’s really necessary?

5. Rest – Who’s am I?

6. Refuel – What energises me?

Tag along and let me know your thoughts as you go!

Stand Firm! What I Learnt From Acts29 2018 Australia and New Zealand Conference

Therefore we should live now as God’s kids fully convinced of his sovereign plan for our future. Yes, persecution will come. Yes, times will be difficult. And yes Jesus is our king and all the citizens of his kingdom win in the end.

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Stand Firm! What I learnt from Acts 29 2018 Australia and New Zealand Conference.

The 2018 Conference was once again a huge encouragement to me, my wife and our church family. This year’s conference speakers included Ray and Jani Ortlund from the U.S, Mark Sayers from Red Church in Melbourne, Adam Ramsey from Liberti Church on the Gold Coast and we also had the privilege of Austin Stone Worship. It was challenging, encouraging, inspiring and as always God-glorifying.

Here’s what I learnt.

1. Standing Firm Requires a Long-Term View

Pastor Adam Ramsey finished the conference with an impressionable send-off, exhorting us from 2 Timothy 4 to remember that we know how the story ends. Paul is at the end of his ministry and his life. Yet he fears nothing. In fact because of his absolute confidence in God’s promises he is able to say,

18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen. 2 Tim 4:18

Pastor Adam used Paul’s end to encourage us to live not only for that end but from it. This was not only how Paul finished but how he lived. In faith knowing that the story has already been written and no amount of opposition could thwart God’s promise to bring him safely into his eternal kingdom.

Therefore we should live now as God’s kids fully convinced of his sovereign plan for our future. Yes, persecution will come. Yes, times will be difficult. And yes Jesus is our king and all the citizens of his kingdom win in the end.

2. Standing Firm Requires Us To Expect the Cost and Remember The Reward.

Preaching from 2 Timothy 4:1-8 Ray Ortlund not only reminded us to be prepared for a big cost in following Jesus but also that the reward is worth it. Paul charged Timothy to endure suffering, reminding Timothy that he also had been “poured out as a drink offering”. Serving Jesus can be tough. There is a cost to be counted. Yet at the same time, as with anything meaningful and worthwhile, the reward is greater than the cost. Therefore we must not only count the cost we must remember the promise. What is the promise? That Jesus has for us a “crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.” 2 Tim. 4:8

Ray simply reminded us of how great a reward this is. He used it, as Paul did to Timothy, to encourage us forward in the mission of God in order that we could also say, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith”. It’s not just the counting the cost that helps us move forward, it’s remembering the rewards.

3. Standing Firm Requires Us To Understand The Space In Which We Live.

Mark Sayers is a pastor and cultural missiologist, meaning he is essentially a specialist who studies and is trained in the science of missions and cultural engagement. Mark is a gift to the church and he blessed us greatly by helping us to understand the context in which we currently live. The more we understand the history of the western culture, the better equipped we will be to bring the gospel to bear on our current culture and consider more effective means with regard to equipping the church for the future culture.

4. Standing Firm Requires Prioritising And Working on Your Marriage/Family

As a husband and Father, I was very encouraged by Ray and Jani Ortlund. There is simply something motivating in seeing a couple in their 60’s deeply in love and experiencing genuine friendship. For me, it was a huge motivator to see what is possible in my marriage and family. Yet they made it clear it takes consistent work. It’s a never-ending commitment to love and serve our spouse and children and to trust God in his good design. I left identifying areas I need to continue to work on in order to love and serve my wife better. Yet I also left with a great hope of what could be in another 30 years. I am more motivated than ever to get to the end and not only run the race of faith, but also the race of life with my wife and kids.

Thank you Ortlunds for your faithful and encouraging example.

5. Standing Firm Requires Community

This year Life Centre Church had a team of 33 people attend the conference. Without a doubt, this is my favourite part of conference every year. I get to do this journey with a bunch of incredible people that are humble, faithful, generous and genuine friends. I love seeing so many of our team pray for each other, eat and drink together, worship together and simply enjoy God and his people. I walk away every year shaking my head at the thought that I am leading a church with such amazing people. I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel capable. I just feel blessed.

Thank you, LCC. You encourage me more than you know.

5C’s To The Best Marriage Ever – #5 Community

God’s desire is for you to enjoy your marriage not endure it. He wants your marriage to excel. It is designed for his glory and your joy. While it may take work, it can be joyful work and fruitful work. One of the great keys to a joyful marriage is having a joyful community. People you love and enjoy that edify both you and your spouse. Find this community. Do all you can to plug into it and benefit from it. It’ll do your marriage the world of good. 

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“You are who you hang with,” said my Dad after drilling my brother and me for about 30 minutes with regard to smoking marijuana. A number of our friends had been caught smoking weed and word had spread that my brother had also participated in these extracurricular activities. While Dad believed us and had our backs he also had our future. My Dad in his wisdom laid out some strong encouragement about the importance of community in your life. Good community. What I learnt from one late night grilling would not only shape my immediate life but also my future marriage.

The Power of Community

While my brother and I were not smoking with our friends my father could see that our friendships were shaping us, and not in a good way. Dad didn’t discipline us for something we didn’t do. But he did warn us to be wise in who we decided to build friendships with. Communities shape us. The family, the society and culture we grow up in shapes us immensely. It is supposed to. We are relational beings that are shaped by those relationships, for good or for worse. We become who we hang around. The same is true for your marriage. While marriage is great, it’s not easy. It takes work. Yet that work is made easier when you share life with others that shape who you are as a person and your marriage for good. If you are going to have a great marriage it is imperative you have a great community.

Community is stronger than the individual. Don’t fight the crowd, pick the right crowd.

2.The Purpose of Community

Friends are supposed to add value to your life. Do you have friends like this? People that encourage you, believe in you, speak into your life and when times get tough they help you? You need a community that grows who you are simply by being in relationship to them. Over the past few years, I’ve had numerous friends support and help me, my marriage and my family. I am indebted to friends that have stood by us and encouraged us through the hard times. The community around us has literally helped bear burdens that were at times too difficult to lift on our own.

 

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. 2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Gal. 6:1-2

You need people in your life that are willing to tell you what you need to hear not just what you want to hear. Friends that won’t let you whinge and complain during tough times. Friends that will call you out when you’re lying to yourself. Friends that will encourage you to not quit on your marriage when times get tough. Rather they lift you up, strengthen you and then send you back to your spouse infused with new life. True friends speak the truth, but they do it in love.

 

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.” Prov. 27:6

3.The Presence of Community

Because community has so much power you have to intentionally build the right community into your life. This can be friends. This can be extended family. This can be a church. But you are responsible to invest in those relationships in order for them to be present. I have seen multiple families move interstate due to a job relocation or career opportunity. The difference between one family and another settling and succeeding in their new environment is often down to how quickly they are able to build a new community around them.

As a married couple, you have to determine together who your community will be. What people will you hang around and build into your life that will influence your marriage for good? I encourage you to consider mingling with people that are further along the road than you. Whether that’s in age, maturity, experience, or simply a quality of life. Find people that are where you want to be in your near future and invest in those relationships. Ask older married couples if you can eat regularly with their family. And offer to bring dinner. Ask married couples that you look up to if you can take them out for dinner. Do whatever you can to get in and around the good soil. And let whatever it is they have, rub off on your marriage. Don’t wait for someone to offer to speak into your life and marriage, go get it. It’s out there.

4.The Pleasure of Community

Invest in relationships that you enjoy. Due to the power of community, it is important to build with people that you actually like. The simple reality is that if you don’t like the people you hang with you won’t learn from them and you’ll probably isolate yourself eventually from them. God has designed life in such a way that we would experience the joy of true friendship and community. Therefore as individuals, you need friends you enjoy. That one friend that you can go to the movies with or out for a coffee and just feel refreshed and uplifted. You need people that just fill your emotional tank up. You want that friend that your spouse enjoys you going out with because they see the positive impact they have on you. You also want friends you enjoy as a couple. A small community you both enjoy being around. People that make you laugh, don’t take life to serious and genuinely lift your spirits.

My wife and I have some friends that we see once or twice a year. Every time we catch up as families we are uplifted by the simplicity of the friendship and the genuine joy of just being together as friends. We live in different parts of our city. Have kids in different life stages. Attend different churches. Yet when my wife and I get together with them for a meal and a few drinks our souls experience life-giving friendship. You just can’t beat having this in your life. Don’t let life get too busy that you can’t make time for community. It is essential to the health of your marriage.

God’s desire is for you to enjoy your marriage not endure it. He wants your marriage to excel. It is designed for his glory and your joy. While it may take work, it can be joyful work and fruitful work. One of the great keys to a joyful marriage is having a joyful community. People you love and enjoy that edify both you and your spouse. Find this community. Do all you can to plug into it and benefit from it. It’ll do your marriage the world of good.

With all this said, go build the best marriage ever!!!

5 C’s To The Best Marriage Ever – #4 Companionship

The deep desire of the human soul is intimacy “in-to-me-see”. We want to be fully known, yet fully loved. To be seen inside with all our hopes, our fears, our dreams, our fractures, yet still loved. It is what we long for. It is what we fear we will never have. So how do we cultivate it?

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Happy Valentines Day Lovers!!!

 

Regardless of your view of marriage what is undeniably clear is that the human soul longs for companionship. Everyone wants to love and be loved. And this is exactly how God made us. The Biblical narrative opens with God as the great creator king. Whether the 7 days of the account are literal 24-hour periods or something more analogical (I prefer the latter personally) is debatable. What is clear however is that the entirety of God’s creation is intricately designed with a specific purpose and according to the narrative, in joyful approval as each day God declared his creation to be “good”. The only time this is not deemed the case is when the man is without a companion.

“18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Gen. 2:18

A man without woman would not enable humanity to image God well as previously designed (Gen. 1:26). As culturally insensitive as it may be, in the Christian worldview, men and women are different. We are designed to be different. The distinction between a man and woman is a good thing because through our unique differences we are able to get a greater glimpse of the God in which we image. Additionally it would not allow the man to experience what it meant to be fully human. God designed the human soul to express and experience love. Therefore God made Adam a ‘helper’, a companion named Eve. With an irresistible cocktail of chemicals of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin, Adam rejoiced in song upon seeing Eve. And thus the origins of human companionship are deemed by God to not only be good but to be “very good” (Gen. 1:31). Not only is God pleased but likewise the two companions enjoy the beauty of being both naked and without shame.

 

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Gen. 2:24

 

This is a picture true intimacy of two souls, bound together physically, emotionally and spiritually. Another way to think of it is that they were ‘fully known, yet fully loved’. The deep desire of the human soul is intimacy “in-to-me-see”. We want to be fully known, yet fully loved. To be seen inside with all our hopes, our fears, our dreams, our fractures, yet still loved. It is what we long for. It is what we fear we will never have. So how do we cultivate it?

 

1. Be Vulnerable and Be Trustworthy

You will never be fully loved if you’re never fully known. This is a big risk. To let someone all the way in where they see it all. God designed marriage to be the place where this level of vulnerability is possible. You can’t, nor should you be vulnerable with everyone. But you can and should be with your spouse. In fact, this is most likely why you married in the first place. Not only did you find your spouse physically attractive, you most likely found them to be someone you could be vulnerable with. Vulnerability requires trust, but trust can only be ascertained through initial vulnerability. A relationship essentially continues to develop as we open up and share and then see what the other does with it. As trust grows so does the vulnerability and vice versa.

 

2. Make Time

When couples begin dating all they want to do is be together. Young couples can be so enamoured with each other that they end up excluding all their friends and isolating themselves from the pack. It’s foolish and can have long-term implications. However, couples are often tempted to go in the other direction once married. DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN!!! Find what works for your relationship but make time to be alone, together. Time to talk. Time to enjoy each other’s company and time to be vulnerable. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t have to take up large amounts of time. It doesn’t have to tick all the boxes every time. It just needs to happen, and happen regularly and be effective. So make it happen.

“If there were more courting in marriage there would be fewer marriages in court”

If you have kids, don’t allow yourself to use them as an excuse. In fact, the quality of your marriage dictates the quality of your family. So do it for them. I’m yet to hear the young person who complains their parents love each other too much. Find a way. Swap babysitting duties with other couples. They babysit your kids one week and you sit their kids the following. Find a way to make time to look at each other, talk and listen.

Two great questions – How are you doing? How am I doing for you?

 

3. Read and Grow

This may sound odd but hear me out. I have been married 15 years. That’s 5475 days my wife and I have been together. How much do you think we don’t know about each other? How easy would it be to become bored with each other? In order to grow in our relationship, we need to grow as individuals. Every time my wife learns and grows as a woman, the more I see it and it intrigues me. It makes me lean in again because I realise I don’t fully know her. There is something new. There is something more. In my opinion, this is one of the great secrets to marriage. Countless times I have heard couples excuse away not executing the previous point because they simply don’t know what to talk about anymore. They’ve talked every day for the past 5475 days and there’s simply nothing new under the sun. This is a real problem for many couples but it is an uncomplicated problem. Learn. Grow. Read.

Learn about health. Learn about nature. Learn about history. Learn about God. Just get learning so that you keep growing and continue to be interesting to one another.

 

4. Sex

Two bodies merging together does not equate to true intimacy. But it is a significant aspect of it. I talk about sex in pre-marital as both a thermometer and thermostat. As a thermometer sex can give a gauge of the temperature of our marriage. It’s one of many indicators of marital health. Men, please read that last sentence again. As a thermostat sex regulates the temperature. It unites us chemically, physically and spiritually. Ladies, please read that last sentence again. Now there is no absolute prescription with regard to quality and quantity, therefore, each couple being must work this out in a way that meets both their needs.

 

5. Serve and Be Available

Do things that the other person enjoys or needs. My wife hates washing up. So guess what my job is? I love basketball. So guess what my wife pretends to enjoy hearing about? What cultivates companionship is showing interest in the other person. To show interest you have to be available. Stop scrolling through Instagram, put the phone down and give your attention. Value what the other person values. If it’s a clean bench, then help keep the bench clean. If it’s camping, then camp. If it’s romantic comedies, watch it with her. If its time with the boys, help make it happen for him. Whatever your jam, make it your priority to keep each other’s love and value tanks full. Work together, be available for each other and continue to serve each other. Do it, repeat it and don’t stop. It’s really difficult to fall out of love with each other when you continue to cultivate a life of love.

 

Happy Valentines Day!!!

5C’s To The Best Marriage Ever – #3 Communication

“Words are moving in either one of two directions. Either our words are moving towards life (grace, mercy, encouragement, love and peace, edification) or death (anger, vengeance, condemnation, malice, slander and gossip).”

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Communication! How could it not be on the list of 5C’s? Everyone knows how important communication is to any relationship, yet it seems to be something most relationships struggle to do well. Why is that? Why is communication so uncomplicated in one sense, yet so difficult to master? There are numerous answers to this but one I believe to be fundamental is the concept of self-projection. That is the attribution of one’s own attitudes, feelings, desires, and suppositions onto another. This is particularly true with regard to communication. We tend to communicate in a way that fits our personality, gender and upbringing without considering the audience to which we are communicating.

In his book, ‘Don’t Die With The Music In You’ NRL Super Coach Wayne Bennett writes about the importance of tailoring your communication to your audience. Wayne highlights the changes he had to make as a coach as new generations of players came through the team. In effect what he taught in the book is that effective communication is not as much about what is said but what is heard. Just because you’ve spoken something doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve communicated it.

Take for example consider cross-cultural communication. If an English speaking person wishes to communicate something to a Chinese speaking person, a translator will be required. Without a translator all that will occur is speaking, but not necessarily communication. Another situation a translator is required is in marriage counselling. A counsellor is often significantly helpful through interpretation. They mediate between couples in the same way a bilingual translator would. I know with my marriage it took the best part of ten years before my wife I really began to communicate and understand each other well. We had to learn to speak in a way in which the other could understand

 

In pre-marital counselling, I like to walk couples through a three-step process to effective communication.

  • Speak the right things
  • In the right way
  • At the right time

All three must be accomplished to experience effective communication. Let’s explore each one.

 

 

SPEAK THE RIGHT THINGS

Effective communication requires knowing what to say and what not to say. This blog is an example of that. More words are deleted than posted. Every time I write I’m weighing up what needs to be written and what doesn’t.

When it comes to issues you have to pick your battles carefully. If you nit-pick, your spouse will eventually tune you out. And that’s not what you want. You want to be able to speak about what is important to you and to have their ear when you do. So choose carefully what issues are worth discussing and what isn’t. Proverbs often speaks of it in this way.

13 A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain. Prov. 19:13

9  It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. Prov. 21:9

The indictment here is not on being a wife but on being quarrelsome. In my marriage, it was me that had this unfortunate ability. I couldn’t let anything go. Every little thing had to be dealt with in my way and on my watch. I was a quarrelsome husband, which led to either not having my wife’s ear or even worse, not having her heart.

A spouse can likewise tune out due to oversharing or simply too much talking. Just ask my wife. I talk her ear off. They may be genuinely interested in your day but it just takes too long and they get lost amongst all the details and detours. Therefore it’s important to consider your use of words. This can be particularly hard if you are a big talker and a stay at home parent. When you’ve been with children all day nothing can be as exciting as knowing that your spouse will be home any minute and you can finally have an adult conversation. Therefore couples need to consider each other’s needs here. The worker needs to prepare himself or herself for a spouse that needs to communicate with an adult. And the spouse that has been couped up in the home needs to consider not bombarding their spouse with a million pieces of information immediately upon arrival. Consider what is or isn’t the right thing to communicate.

 

 

IN THE RIGHT WAY

The way in which something is spoken has a great impact on how it is heard. Proverbs puts it this way.

18     There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Prov 12:18

4     A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Prov. 15:4

Successful communication is not only about speaking the right things; it’s about speaking them in the right way. In my experience, nothing influences my communication more than my emotional state. Just ask my kids? When I’m tired, stressed or frustrated the tone is completely different.

Notice Proverbs 15:4 said, ‘a gentle tongue is a tree of life’. The way of life is gentleness. Additionally, writer of Proverbs says

21    Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Prov. 18:21

Paul Tripp says of this verse that,

“Words are moving in either one of two directions. Either our words are moving towards life (grace, mercy, encouragement, love and peace, edification) or death (anger, vengeance, condemnation, malice, slander and gossip).”

A marriage that uses words to move towards life will experience just that – life. So consider both your words and the use of those words to build your marriage up and encourage your spouse because ‘the tongue of the wise brings healing’ (Prov. 12:18)

Check out Paul Tripp’s book and videos on ‘War of Words’. Simply brilliant (https://www.paultripp.com/war-of-words)

 

 

AT THE RIGHT TIME

Timing is everything. You can speak about the right thing, in the right way, but if the timing is wrong it still won’t be heard. This can be a difficult one particularly in the context of dual-income families, or couples with both work and study occurring simultaneously. In my context my wife and I have four children, I work full-time, study part-time and she works part-time. This increases the need for good rhythms. It’s a busy household and we can’t afford to slip into bad habits when it comes to communication.

Two common pitfalls of communication are nagging and stonewalling. Both are extremely ineffective and unhelpful. Stereotypically a man does one and a woman does the other, but it is not always the case. Following the key to cooperation from the previous post, it is important ‘to judge your spouse by their intention not just their action’. A spouse doesn’t wake up one day and decide to either nag or stonewall. There’s something within the context that moves them in that direction. This is most commonly the timing and context of communication. That is to say that nagging, while ineffective and even annoying is often the choice of communication because the spouse feels their partner isn’t listening. So they keep talking. Stonewalling is the opposite. It is generally done in an attempt to control the tongue from saying something hurtful. Timing and context make all the difference in avoiding these ditches. Each couple has to consider what works for their rhythm and relationship.

Some couples prefer to have a check-in night. One night a week where they sit down with a glass of wine, calendars out and just check-in with each other. This allows one spouse to know they have a set time ahead that is specifically designed for talking. It helps them to avoid nagging and keep their words until the right time following the wisdom of Prov. 21:23

23      Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble. Prov. 21:23

For the other spouse, it helps them prepare their ears, as they know this is the time to check-in. They have time to prepare themselves to listen and respond. Therefore avoiding withdrawing or stonewalling.

Other couples prefer to talk on the run. It’s a constant conversation. Before work, while cooking dinner or cleaning up, or just plain old pillow talk. They don’t have a specific check-in time rather they are constantly checking in. Whatever suits your relationship, the important thing is to be creating clear space for effective communication.

 

Words drive the direction of your life. What you say, how you say it and when you say it matters. So choose life. 

5C’s To The Best Marriage Ever #2 – Cooperation

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Weddings. Who doesn’t love a good old fashion wedding? They’re the best. Love is in the air, great people. great food, great drink. And the dance floor. Come on. It’s the greatest. But let’s be honest, the wedding is the easy part. Once you’ve made the exciting choice to marry, then you’ve got to learn how to do the dance. This is the idea of cooperation. A great marriage is one that is able to move from being all about ‘me to being about ‘we’. It is two individual people working together to become one. This is the view the Bible portrays of marriage. Before the first-ever marriage in Genesis 2, God outlined marriage in this way.

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Gen. 2:24-25

Jesus likewise confirmed this view

5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matt. 19:5-6

The word ‘one flesh’ Hebrew אֶחָד (echad) and Greek εἷς (Heis) are used to describe God in Deuteronomy 6:4 which says “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.” The picture is of one unit. A word you may be more familiar with is ‘shalom’, meaning peace and harmony. As God, Father, Son and Spirit is one, a husband and wife are to be so united to one another that it’s like they are one. Working in perfect harmony. What an incredible privilege we have as men and women to reflect the image of God through our marriages. Now for God ‘echad’ comes naturally, it’,s simply who God is. For us, it’s not so natural. Our natural disposition is to compete against each other rather than cooperate with each other.

Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. These two are very different from one another. A contract is built upon mutual distrust whereas a covenant is built upon mutual commitment. A commitment to cooperate. We commit work together to make each other more beautiful, more wonderful, more glorious and more holy. It is a daily choice to keep that commitment. As a wise person once said, ‘In the beginning, opposites attract but later opposites attack’. What often intrigued us in the beginning about our spouse can actually become something that leads to conflict later. It is important to identify and clarify these differences and learn how to make compliment each other rather than compete.

 

Below are 4 common areas of difference

 

HOW WE ARE ENERGIZED

Every person is energized differently and energy levels matter. When your emotional tank is low it has a significant impact on the way you communicate. Nothing affects your ability to cooperate more than energy. When you are well rested and your emotional tank is full, you are kinder, more patient and less selfish. You consider your words more carefully and are less tempted to respond out of frustration. Therefore understanding how each other is energized helps to create an environment where we are running on a full tank rather than on fumes.

 

HOW WE GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE

Gary Chapman wrote a helpful book called “The 5 Love Languages – The Secret to Love That Lasts”. Its practical, filled with humour and stories to convey with clarity the simple idea that everyone gives and receives love differently (check out 5lovelanguages.com). In it, Gary highlights what he labels the five most common love languages – words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. Our natural tendency is to love others how we ourselves receive love. This is not a bad thing, Jesus told us to love our neighbour as ourselves. What separates a good marriage from a great marriage is the ability for a couple to give love in the way the other receives love. This is much harder than it seems. It’s unnatural and goes against our instinct. But it matters. In fact, this is one key to keeping those emotional energy tanks full. Life is so much more enjoyable and easy when you feel loved, respected and valued by your spouse. And it takes two to tango. Both spouses need to find ways to love the other in a way that actually hits the mark. Additionally, you need to learn how to receive love in the way your spouse naturally gives it. Because it will be more natural to them it will be a joy to love you in their own special way. So learn to accept it, rather than demand to be loved a certain way. Great marriages learn this dance.

 

HOW WE USE WORDS AND PROCESS INFORMATION AND EXPERIENCES

Some people are expanders. Others are condensers. An expander is self-explanatory, they expand … everything. They talk. A lot. And then talk some more. Expanders dominate a conversation. Provide all the unnecessary detail you don’t even care about. While you’re telling your story, they’re not listening. They’re thinking up a better story to trump your story. Expanders believe words are powerful and unlimited. So they use them. All of them. They tend to process verbally and need to talk things out

A condenser is straight to the point. No fluff. No bubbles. Just the point. Condensers believe words are powerful but limited. So they ration them. Just in case they run out. They tend to process internally and need to think things through.

One word really matters here. TIMING. You have to learn the skill of knowing when to use words and when not to. More on this in our next post.

 

HOW WE APPROACH CONFLICT

Nobody likes conflict. It’s the worst. But to have a great marriage you have to learn how you and your spouse will approach it. Two approaches are most common. The engager and the withdrawer. An engager is someone who always wants to fix everything and make sure everybody is ok. One of my favourite leadership axioms by Bill Hybels is, “when something smells funky, engage.” The big idea is to not let stuff fester. Unresolved issues can poison a relationship. Therefore they engage and go head on in, even if it’s the most inappropriate time. The engager wants to move toward their spouse in order to quickly resolve the conflict in which they hate. A withdrawer is someone who also wants the problem resolved but is fearful that engaging will only make it worse. Talking about it is like pouring fuel on the fire. Therefore they withdraw in an attempt to let things settle. The withdrawer wants to move away from their spouse in order to avoid increasing the conflict unnecessarily.

By now you’ve probably identified some of your relational differences. So what’s the secret sauce to cooperating? How do we cooperate when we are so different? It makes no difference knowing these differences if you don’t apply this last principle. This is the key to cooperation. This is the key to experiencing echad.

 

JUDGE YOU SPOUSE ACCORDING TO THEIR INTENTION, NOT THEIR ACTION.

 

Due to our differences, we instinctively judge each other by actions not intentions. Yet the intentions of the heart make all the difference in the world. When we understand the reasons and motivations behind the behaviour of our spouse it helps us to not only extend grace but also to receive those actions for what they really are – love.

Go ahead. Why don’t you sit down with each other and talk some of these differences through and ask the question, ‘when you do this what is your intention?’ Then listen and seek to understand and receive their love. Decide to begin to cooperate with each rather than compete against each other and experience God’s joyful design for your marriage to be echad and experience shalom.

5C’s To The Best Marriage Ever – #1 CHOICES

Too many people are looking for “the one”. This is very common, but not limited to the Christian context. The concept is that there is one perfectly designed soul mate out there somewhere. Find them, marry them and live the happily-ever-after you always desired. Thank you, Jerry Maguire and every other romantic comedy ever produced.

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In a couple of weeks, I kick off a new series at Life Centre Church called “Citizens – Living as God’s Kingdom People”, based on Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount from Matthew 5-7. I’m really excited to preach through it, as Jesus’ teaching is exceptionally relevant for today. As it relates to this topic Jesus had a few things to say about marriage, lust, anger, promises and divorce (Matt. 5:21-48). These are very practical and challenging. At the time of Jesus’ sermon, a large controversy about divorce and marriage was being conducted between two popular rabbinic schools of Hillel and Shammai. It was into that context in which Jesus spoke. What has been reinforced to me through my study is that God is far more for marriage than he is against divorce. God created marriage for our joy and God wants to elevate the blessedness of marriage in our eyes and to help a culture that is divorcing and separating left, right and centre how to experience joyful and fulfilling marriages.

So with this in mind I thought I’d do a short series called the 5 C’s To The Best Marriage Ever.

 

#1 – CHOICES.

The first principle to experiencing a great marriage is simply to make good choices. God has given us the means within our faculties to make choices. So choose well, before marriage and after marriage. Choose well.

Choices Before Marriage.

I often make the somewhat controversial statement that “It is not who you marry it is what you marry!” This may seem somewhat simplistic and even redundant yet it is such an important piece. Much of what leads to a great marriage exists well before the wedding day. Consequently, if you marry well, you immediately alleviate half the obstacles. A great marriage takes a great amount of work. It requires all sorts of compromises and adjustments that are not always easy. This highlights even more reason why choosing well before you marry is of such importance.

Too many people are looking for “the one”. This is very common, but not limited to the Christian context. The concept is that there is one perfectly designed soul mate out there somewhere. Find them, marry them and live the happily-ever-after you always desired. Thank you, Jerry Maguire and every other romantic comedy ever produced. While I do not wish to discount some couples experiences or the notion of compatibility altogether, I do find the concept of “the one” fraught with problems.

The first is a shaky foundation. Beneath the concept of “the one” is a subtle selfish agenda. That is, you are looking to get from someone rather than give to someone. Whether it is meaning, security, affirmation, identity, respect or love. You have an expectation that when you find this person these are things you will receive from them. Now, none of these things is wrong. In fact, they are all necessary in some sense to have any sort of meaningful relationship. The issue comes with only seeking to receive these things rather than giving these things. Many a couple got married, expecting their spouse would humbly serve them, only to find out that their spouse was expecting the same thing. If this is the foundation of a relationship then when times get tough, which they will, the relationship will collapse and you’ll be tempted to believe that maybe they just weren’t the one after all. It just wasn’t the right fit. But the problem isn’t the fit the problem is the foundation.

A great marriage requires both. Both parties need to feel valued, understood, loved and respected by the other. In order for that to be a reality, both have to prioritise the giving of these not just the receiving of them. If two people seek to receive, no one receives. If two people seek to give, both give and both receive. It’s beautiful and it is joyful.

The second is a misguided focus. The focus becomes to find someone and then marry someone. These are the ultimate goal. To be sure, no relationship exists without finding someone. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.” You have to go looking, whether physically or digitally, in order to find a spouse. You have to take some risks, put yourself out there, and give it a go. But marriage is more than just finding someone; it’s about finding a spouse. Someone you will unite and covenant with for the rest of your life. And marriage is more than just about a wedding day. It’s about building a life together.

Now I hate to inform you of this truth, but the unfortunate reality is that the external fades over time. I turn 40 this year and my body is only moving in one direction and that’s south. So yes find a person you are physically attracted to. That’s legitimately important. But it’s really easy to get caught up by someone’s highlight reel without examining their behind the scenes. What are they like behind closed doors? The attraction needs to be both externally and internally. A great example of this can be seen in Genesis 24 where Abraham’s servant is sent to find a wife for his son Isaac (thank goodness I didn’t grow up in those days). The servant notices two things about a woman named Rebekah. 1) She was very attractive in appearance (Gen. 24:16) and she had a servant heart (Gen 24:20). Not only did Rebekah offer Abraham’s servant water, which she had to draw herself from a well. She also drew water for the servant’s camels. She was generous. She was kind. She was beautiful inside and out.

Sure he might be a really cool guy, or she might be a hottie but are they secure or insecure? Are they givers or takers? Do they use words to build others up or pull people down? Are they humble or arrogant? Are they personally growing or stagnant? Do they have the same faith as you or a completely different worldview? These things matter. It’s not just who you marry, it’s what you marry.

You need to like more than what you just see on the outside. As part of our church pre-marital counselling, I often say to young couples, “you’re going to talk a lot more than you are going to have sex. So make sure you actually like each other.” I don’t say it to be provocative. I say it because it’s true. You need to like the person you marry. You need to be attracted to the whole person, inside and out, including their mind and their heart. I can honestly say that I am far more attracted to my wife now, 15 years in, 4 children later, than on the day I married her. We are better friends than ever Why? Her character has continued to blossom. Her internal beauty shines brighter and brighter each and every day. In my view, I married a hottie not just externally but internally. And one day if God grants us the time we’ll be in our 80’s not looking like we did in our twenties but we will be far more satisfied, fulfilled, complete and joyful than even on our wedding day.

Choices in Marriage

The choices before you marry are important and the choices in your marriage are important. While a happy marriage may begin when we marry the one we love, a happy marriage blossoms when we love the one we marry. A great marriage is a result of thousands of little choices each and every day, week, month and year to love one another and do all you can to make the other even better than they would be on their own. Therefore make choices that not only benefit you but benefit the other and coincide with God’s plan for their life.

Tim Keller sums up a Christian vision of marriage.

Within this Christian vision of marriage, here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, “I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, ‘I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!”  Tim Keller

As you reflect on the quote above consider the choices you can make in your marriage to make it the best marriage ever.